Been Thinking...

This week was not one of my best. Todd traveled half the week, the weather turned cold, the kids were cranky, the Halloween candy screamed at me constantly, I had a headaches for three days and Zach suffered from nightmares almost nightly.

I decided that today, Molly and I would go to the movie, Secretariat, as a nice little break. My kids hate the movie theater because it is dark and loud. Molly is the only one who like popcorn enough to face those fears. On the way into the movie, Molly announced when she gets big, when she turns four, that she will not be afraid of movies anymore. Then she proceeded to state, "Mom you aren't afraid of movies. Mom's aren't afraid of anything, right?"

She got me thinking. As a mom, is it better for me to appear to have it all together; to let nothing ruffle my feathers; to be a pillar of strength and never show weakness, fear, or imperfection? Or, is it better to show my kids I am human; I make mistakes often and apologize for them; I stumble sometimes and keep going; I am never perfect? In the long run if I show strength will that be what they remember of me? Will they then be strong adults as well? Or, in the long run if I show humanity and humility will they know it is ok to stumble as long as you get back up and try again? Will they then be adults full of character and humility?

I then thought of a devotion sent out this week by our new pastor at church. He talked about his mother's table at holidays. It was a beautiful site where the family gathered and spent time together. A perfectly beautiful table is our pastor's favorite memory of his family holidays. It was the centerpiece of his most important family time. From his devotion it sounded like his mother was strong and unruffled. If we feel that way at home, does it always feel like everything will be ok? Is that why he remembered those tables so fondly?

On the flip side, I thought of a bible study my group did on the story of Mary and Martha. Martha runs around the house preparing a feast for Jesus while Mary sits at His feet and listens to His stories. Martha get reprimanded by Jesus when she complains that Mary is not helping, for Mary, Jesus explains, was in the right place; she knew her true priority. If my kids and my family are my priority, then is being with them and being fully myself what I should be doing? Because I am so very far from a pillar of strength/perfect Martha Stewart table/fearless type of person.

As I thought about this, I flashed to those houses I went to as a child. There were the perfect ones with the Martha (Stewart) type mom. It was fun there, but in a reserved sort of special occasion way. Then there were the houses of chaos...by Martha Stewart's standards, the Mary houses we will call them. In these houses the Moms were so busy making cookies or laughing and talking with us, that I really never wanted to leave. It never mattered they weren't always the cleanest or most organized home because you felt important and loved. At least that is how my child like eyes saw it anyway.

So today at the movie, I did make sure Molly wasn't scared. I held her tight when she was, but I also let her see me cry at the sad parts and I cheered with her at the exciting ones. I let her see me fully present in the moment. And realizing all of this makes me feel better that my Thanksgiving table may not be perfect by Martha's standards; because, the Mary in me will be busy playing football with my children instead of polishing silver. And in 20 years when my children write about their holiday memories, I hope they remember with fondness how much fun we had, not just how beautiful my table was.

In the end, I got to see a great little movie and leave feeling better about the fact my house isn't clean but my kids are happy because I am with them instead of my house. In the end, it was the perfect little break!