The Example.

As a mom, I try really hard to be a good example for my kids. Sometimes, they inform me, I fall very short of that.

Recently I have been trying to kick my caffeine habit. Why? I have no idea. It is the dumbest idea I have ever come up with. But, my kids want to be like me (for a few years longer anyway) and I feel like my daily cup of coffee followed by my daily Diet Coke is not a good message to be sending; especially when my 9 year old asks why I need to continue consuming something that isn’t “good” for me. It turns out the response “but it is good for you,” is not something he wants to hear. It also turns out that answering the questions he asks with sarcasm is also not an example I want to be teaching my children.

So when we were visiting family last week, I needed a Diet Coke to function after a full three hours of sleep. When my 9 year old tried to be the voice of reason and stop me from myself, I asked him if he would rather have a nice mom or a mom who consumes a bit of caffeine to make it through the day. It turns out nice mom wins and I was able to enjoy my Diet Coke in peace. I guess if that is the only bad habit of mine they pick up then I can live with that.

It turns out that even with a bit (or a lot) of caffeine in the system, I continue to be a bad influence on my kids. My second biggest fear, after losing my children, which it has been well documented I have done twice now, is SPIDERS! I shudder just thinking about those eight legged creatures. My 9 year old, who seems to be the expert on all my bad behaviors, informs me that spiders are actually very useful creatures and I should not be afraid of them. He informs me that you are never more than three feet from a spider. I thought my car didn’t count in those calculations, until yesterday.

So, there I am driving peacefully in the car. I pull into the left side of a double turn lane near my house thinking about the long, stop light filled drive ahead of me. I am wondering how much luck I will have with green lights. It turns out; this was not my lucky day. For as my light turns green and I begin my turn, I notice a gigantic spider racing across the inside of my windshield. My heart begins to beat rapidly, my muscles tense and I stifle a scream (which therefore comes out a whimper, the most becoming and brave mom sound). Without looking I swerve into the other lane of traffic as the spider does an about turn and heads back from where it came. Acting like a crazed lunatic, I drive over the posted speed limit while continuing to swerve madly until I land into a safe parking spot in the local wing joint lot. I never once noticed any traffic because my eyes never left the spider, which it turns out, was now heading back in my direction. This could have been perfect footage for Mechanized Death, the movie we had to watch in Drivers Ed to scare the crap out of us, if it hadn’t been for the quick thinking of the other drivers on the road.

Once safely stopped, I jumped from my vehicle, armed myself with a DVD case, and proceeded to scream my way to the other side of the car where the battle with the monstrous creature would soon begin. As I whimpered, acting like a child, I noticed a car full of men taking a smoke break from their construction job across the parking lot. I sort of wished I had picked something other than The Santa Clause with which to do battle. At this moment the spider dropped to the ground and landed on a bag filled with library books. As I fling the bag into the lot, I realize I have broken my rule about treating library books with respect. As I beat the bag with the DVD case, I see the spider scurry off toward the smoking men. I fling the library books back into the car, slam the door, run to the other side, get in, put the car in gear, and get the hell out of dodge before that spider decides to follow me. It didn't find us.

It turns out this is becoming a banner year for Mom as an example. So far I have taught my children:
When the going gets tough, use stimulants to get through the day.

When you are faced with tough questions you don’t want to answer, use sarcasm to avoid answering.

When faced with your fears, overreact and get hysterical.

If it comes to choice of respecting someone else’s property or saving yourself from harmless, gigantic spiders, choose yourself.

And last but not least, the rules of driver’s safety do not apply to your mom when a spider is involved.

On an upside, my 9 year old informs me that prayer does work.