Failure

I wrote recently about how my Mom's Group did a study on character development in children.  The article (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/18/magazine/what-if-the-secret-to-success-is-failure.html?pagewanted=all) looked at how allowing our kids to fail actually builds the character traits needed for success.  I admit, I don't like to fail.  I avoid it like the plague.  But, I need to do a better job of accepting failure and turning it into an opportunity to learn something.  If I can do this better for myself then I can teach it, by example, to my children.  Until I can master grace in the face of failure, I am going to have to settle for allowing my children to just fall every so often.

It is with this in mind that we decided to let Colin take on his recent social studies project.  He had to create a travel brochure for the Northeast Region of the United States.  There were about 12 different requirements for this brochure.  He had to do research from three different sources to complete the requirements.  He had two weeks to complete the project.  So, because he is new at this sort of thing, I sat him down and explained what he needed to do.  We made a timeline and talked about picking a point of view to focus his research on.  We got books from the library (which I may be the last parent in America who feels it is valuable to use an actual book from which to do research).  And then he slacked off.  I only gently reminded him.

The Sunday before the project was due, Colin had to spend all day working on this project.  He had to get up early Monday morning to finish the project.  By my standards, it was worth maybe a C, or maybe even worse.  I wondered if I should have helped more. 

I talked to another mom and she did the entire project for her child.  She decided this was too much for a 4th grader and she wasn't going to have her child penalized for something her child could not reasonable do.  I starting really thinking I should have done more.  Maybe I should really care about my 4th graders grades.  Maybe he won't get into the Ivy League now because he failed his 4th grade travel brochure.  Crap...I screwed up this whole parenting thing again.  The whole failure thing must be for when they are in high school...or maybe I am never suppose to allow him to fail...wait, what was the point of that article again?

It turns out my son got an A.  His teacher thought he did a great job.  One of the requirements was that the work showed the student effort.  Apparently his run on sentences were a dead give away that the work was all his.  And, I learned something about how live out this child character building article.  The point was sometimes you need to let your child do things for themselves because you just might be surprised what they can do.  I mean, we helped him, sure.  We got him the resources he needed, but it was when HE asked for them.  Then, we stood back and let him work.  We asked questions to help him think through the work, we didn't do the work for him.  In the end, the teacher recognized that he did 4th grade work (not college graduate work) and she rewarded him for it.  It isn't about only building character from failure, but also teaching my children the traits that are necessary so they don't have to fail.  And, recognizing that sometimes I might be the biggest thing standing in the way of his success.

My child is learning how to be successful despite my "help."  I hope what I learn in the long run is to be strong enough to care more for him and person he is becoming than what a bunch of letter grades say about him.  But, on the other hand, the Ivy League (with a giant scholarship) wouldn't be half bad either...