This is hard.

Life is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Relationships are hard.

All of these sayings are true.  Books have been written about them, songs have been sung about them, and careers have been built around them.  It doesn't matter how many books I read or songs I hear or professionals I visit, they remain true.  It doesn't seem to matter how much money I have, how many friends I know, how old my children get, how long I have been married, what my house looks like, how big my diamond ring is, where I vacation, who my parents are or are not, or any list of remedies or measures of success out there; these words remain true.

Right now I am in the middle of a tough time with one of my children.  I can point to several causes of why this particular time is difficult.  I can think of several people I could blame for this difficult time.  I can wish hard that it would all be someone else's problem to take.  It continues to be difficult and it continues to be mine.  In this instance, the only choice is to move through the problem.  I can't blame it away or wish it away either.  It is hard because it means being someone I don't find very authentic to who I want to be.  It means being the bad guy, the nagging voice, the crazy helicopter parent.

I know none of this post makes much sense from the outside.  It is the sort of thing that is driving me crazy but I cannot talk about because I need to protect the privacy of my children.  It is the sort of thing that prevents me from writing nice little blog posts about how blessed we are and how much fun we have together (although I hope the post about Molly's birthday was a little bit of that).  It is the sort of thing that makes me doubt that I am good enough at anything to celebrate blessings or have any fun.  It is the sort of thing that plants major seeds of doubt which blossom into feelings of guilt.

Parenting is tough.  It has been tough since the moment that little stick showed two lines.  Each phase is tough for different reasons.  But, I find the doubt and the guilt are the two pieces of parenthood that are the hardest to get use to.  No matter that I have been doing this job longer than a decade, there doesn't seem to be a proficiency developing with the job to erase the doubt and guilt I have built up.  The feelings remain constantly present and ever difficult to eradicate.  Bottom line, those feelings make me uncomfortable.  I want them to go.  I want it to be easy to erase them.  I want a crystal ball that shows me each of these battles will turn out in the end.

Today brought a glimmer of hope.  Today brought the moment where the bad cop and the helicopter parent together made a difference in the situation.  It is that hope sparking in the midst of my doubt that keeps me going.  Maybe I can do this.  Maybe it will turn out all right in the end.  Maybe I don't need that crystal ball.  Maybe one of these tricks, one of these lectures, one of these different parenting personas will be the one to erase the doubt for good.

In the meantime, know that I wish I was here with you blogging funny quips about all the blessings and fun we seem to have in excess.  I will be back soon...the doubt may still be here, but it will be smaller and things will seem easier, And that will allow us to focus on the fun once again.